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I found this, six months after my own dad died, and when, really, it has only just become emotionally real to me.

http://www.hellogrief.org/i-will-never-be-the-same/

It is one thing to *know*, logically, that someone whom you loved so much is no longer there, but for me at least, the emotions have only just caught up, like an express train eventually emerging from a tunnel.

The article above has really struck a chord. For me, it is true that I am – and will never be, now – the same as before Dad died …and neither would I wish to be. He said, six days before he passed away, that this ‘would be one of the hardest things’ I would ‘ever have to go through’, so I should be open with him about my fears and hopes. So I was.

That immense bravery from a man facing his own death, which he knew would be only days or at most a week away, was inspirational, so I’ve made a conscious decision now to really live and not hold back. I know that will include hurt and pain and tears at times, but facing them is not like facing a death – a stopping or a carrying on (who, really, knows?) with all its  uncertainty and fear – so living in the moment seems to be the way forward. It’s easy to do on holiday, away from responsibility, so I’m vowing to continue it in a positive, lovely way when I return from Croatia!

Suddenly, now, six months after dad’s death, I feel more settled; happy; not ‘thinky’ or dwelling on dad. (Perhaps some of dad’s words have sunk in with their usual effect of sitting happily in my brain until they seem ready to be absorbed…he always laughed at that.)

So now, I can see the importance of openness and honesty; of valuing those around me and the life I have like never before. I will tell people I love them now, if I do, irrespective of consequences and when it is ‘proper’ to do so. If people do not give me value in their lives, I can now see that I cannot change this – it is up to them. If they do give me value, and show it, I no longer push them away.

In short, now, I realise everything that dad tried to teach me when he was here. Ironic, much?!

So…here’s to the future – live it with me! Xx

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